


If She Knew How

by tvshipsetc



Category: New Amsterdam (TV 2018)
Genre: A flicker of hope, Disappointment, F/M, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:21:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23164678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tvshipsetc/pseuds/tvshipsetc
Summary: Helen thinks about their almost kiss in her office.
Relationships: Helen Sharpe/Max Goodwin, Sharpwin - Relationship
Comments: 9
Kudos: 64





	If She Knew How

**Author's Note:**

> Just a quick one shot for you guys! I am well aware that I need to update “A Small Step to Forever.” I need the motivation to finish chapter 4. The idea is there but the words aren’t flowing. Anyway, you’d probably have a lot more one shots before I update that story. Sorry.

She opened the door to her apartment just like she did a thousand times before but the heaviness she felt was engulfed by the darkness around her. Today was full of unexpected events, moments she wished turned out differently and feelings she wished she could somehow will herself to not have. She never thought she’d be at this place with so much uncertainty and doubt grappling at her once steady heart.

_Does he even want me?_

Her insecurities tried to scream louder than her common sense. _He does. He absolutely does._ There was no other reason for him to bravely decimate the distance between them. He was drawing near for a reason. He wanted to be the one to take the steps to meet her where she was. After all, she was much further along than he was. He was still trying to play catch up.

She closed her eyes in the darkness, before resolving to put the light on. Such a cheesy metaphor for the way she felt but she just wanted to lay out the facts and not pay obeisance to her feelings. Giving her feelings preeminence was exactly the reason why she found herself in this predicament in the first place. She should have just walked off as she always did. She should’ve left him wondering. She should’ve believed it when she convinced herself almost daily, after every interaction they had, that he wasn’t there yet.

It was a constant battle for her-the pretending. After Muhammad, she struggled with wearing her heart on her sleeve. And Max did what only he could do with his eyes. Damn those eyes. There was an unmistakable intensity in them that pierced her. It’s almost as if he had a front row seat to see the exact moment when he’d say something and she’d put up her walls. His eyes would break them down and she’d stand there defenseless, saying things she shouldn’t say, opening up when she’d rather stay closed and bringing him into her space. That’s why she kept walking away. If she stayed, she knew that there would be no escape for her. She knew he’d trap her back against a wall with just his eyes, and she’d be so far removed from the closed off Helen that she created, that there’d be no retreating.

If only her feet would’ve travelled further than her heart tonight. But his voice wouldn’t let her escape. Why did he have to say “then just tell me” like that? Her resolve crumbled in that moment. Her mind was completely silenced and the pent up frustration her heart was feeling for all these months came out in a “For God’s sake Max!” That’s what she wanted to scream every time they interacted. His nonchalant musings about favoring her, his corny jokes, chasing her through corridors, his willingness to go to bat for her against the board. All of those things were replaying in her mind as she just wanted to scream at him what she was feeling.

Instead of an “I love you,” much like the ones she found herself thinking about saying almost daily, she could only say those three words in the most harmless way she knew how. _She did it for him. Everything she had done, she did for him._ She remembered his expression. It wasn’t even one of surprise. Relief. That’s what it looked like.

Pouring herself a glass of wine, she remembered the way her breath no longer evened out and how much the lump stuck in her throat closed off her air supply. Every step he took she was screaming on the inside “Run Helen! Run!” But her feet stood securely, waiting for him to do something, anything to not make her feel like a complete idiot for wearing her heart on her sleeve exposing the one secret she kept from him. Reciprocated. It had always been reciprocated. _She can’t do it without him either. She does think they make a good team. She wants nothing more than to be his partner. She does indeed favor him._

The way her eyes lifted as his tall frame shadowed her. She felt at that moment that he was covering her exposed heart with his body, promising with that one gesture that he’d take care of it. His breath, the heaving of his chest as he kept fighting nervousness to just make a few more steps. His eyes, she remembered the way it moved from hers and found her lips. At that moment she all but wanted to just make the last step but she knew better. She knew he had to be the one to do it. His face, the way it fell from desire into the oblivion of fear still traumatized her. She doesn’t know what her face looked like but she remembered what her heart felt. Disappointment. Her mind wouldn’t shut off telling her “you should’ve known better Helen” with every step she took leaving him behind.

As she laid on the couch in tears over her mistake, she entertained thoughts of how she was going to fix what she knew couldn’t be undone. She had to keep things normal between them. But what normalcy could they possibly find when the sexual tension had already reached a point of magnanimous proportions? How could she just go back to her sarcasm when he’d say the most out of pocket things exposing his feelings? How could she not offer to do any and everything for him with the hope that he’d consider it the best thing anyone has ever done for him? How could she not love him? That was the question, really. How could she stop loving Max Goodwin and just move on with her life?

She just had to love him. She had to. She tried so hard not to and she honestly didn’t realize that she did until Akash pointed it out not so subtly. She couldn’t understand why someone so unavailable could steal her heart without knowing. She couldn’t wrap her mind around how deeply she was in it. She knew she was gone when she’d find herself missing him unexplainably on her busiest days. When her mind should’ve been too preoccupied with patients, it somehow made time and space for Max Goodwin. She knew there was no going back when she saw him months after the accident alive and well. The way his once forlorn body was taking shape again in his drab blue scrubs. Sigh. She knew for sure that there was no way she could talk herself out of her feelings when she mindlessly gave up half of her life’s work to someone who she knew would waste it, just for him.

She wished she knew how to not love him. Then tonight wouldn’t have happened. And tomorrow would be a lot easier. Nevertheless, she cried herself to sleep silently believing that she’d never have to learn. She’d love him. He’d love her back. And one day, she’d never have to second guess.


End file.
